I'm going to take a break on the book of Job today and focus on something that has been bothering me over the last week or so. It seems that I am pretty apathetic towards God now that I am busy with school and work. Yes, there are moments of guilt, but mostly, it feels kind of good to be so busy that God has no room in my life. It sounds harsh, but it's been pretty nice.
I still pray and I plan on going to church, but throughout the week I have so much to do and so much on my mind. I love this full speed mode. It allows me to work on "my stuff" and keeps me away from trouble. It's almost as if I wrote God out of my life. Not completely, of course, but time wise I just don't have time to think about all of the Why's and How come's? It's like a vacation.
Maybe I need to be like this all the time. Thinking about God and why He does things the way He does is tough. I love getting lost in my work, which is just for me. Granted, I am still serving God while I work, but He isn't on my mind all the time. In fact, He's just like an uncle that I only see every so often.
I love being apathetic. It's amazing. I know these words are blasphemous, and God will probably smite my life in some unexpected way, but it's kind of a nice change of pace. I love being focused on something other than Christianity and theology for a change. My mind needs a productive distraction so that I don't go crazy with endless loops of questions.
It may seem like I don't care about God, but that's not true. I love God and everything He's done for me. It's just nice to kind of hide for a while, away from God's blessings and punishments. For me, it's mostly punishment so it's kind of nice. If God, perhaps, blessed me more (ouch, I'm gonna hear about this one later and I'll probably regret saying 'more') I would probably miss him more. But because I currently associate God with judgment and not blessings, I like the leave of absence my mind is taking. It's like going on vacation to a place where no one knows you.
However, I am, in the back of my mind, worried that because I have said all of these things, or even if I just thought them, God will lash at me with all He's got. You know, make a "Job" out of me. But I think some time apart is nice. I know even though my mind is not on Him, His mind is still on me, which is nice. School is important and I have a lot on my plate for the next month. I need God's help, but sometimes it's nice to have Him out of the way. Being a Christian, I am learning, is not all about blessings and heavenly gifts. It's about restraint and controlling ourselves. It's about earthly bondage and sacrifice. Those are great things when heaven is the reward. But I'm not here to just get into heaven. I'm searching, now, for more than the reward. Christianity is boring and I don't like it in its current state for me. In a lot of ways I don't know what it's like to be a Christian. I know some Bible things and can bring in an interesting perspective, but I don't have that close relationship with God that a lot of others have. I have one based on complaining and intellect. Mostly it's just me complaining, God either ignoring me or taking things away from me, and my mind versus God. Not a lot of room for blessings and joy.
But I'm getting there. Slowly. Slowly.
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