17: Forget Love. Give me Joy.

Yes. I know that love is supposed to be the greatest of all gifts, according to the Bible; however, I'm finding that joy is much harder to come by. While love is something that surrounds most of us as children, joy, on the other hand, is something that comes between the Self and God. In other words, it's an individual sport.

Joy is lacking from my spiritual life and I can't figure out why. I love the songs and I love the study of God's Word, but I lack that pure 'happy' feeling when it comes to everything else about Christianity. Granted, I'm pessimistic to the bone, but still, you'd think that I would find joy somewhere in my spiritual walk. Well, I did, but that was about five years ago. So I've been in this joyless walk in Christ for five years and I have no idea how to find it. I understand faith. I comprehend love. I get all of the fruits of the Spirit, except Joy. Yet, I have no idea why.

Again, the devotional offers a quick fixing statement to lead me to my perfect life. All I have to do is have the right relationship with God, finding my joy there, and then out of me will flow living water. Seems simple enough. Three steps to a perfect life. The problem is the first step, as well as the second, but I can't seem to get over the first one. How do I place myself in the 'right' relationship with God? Go to church? Pray? Read the Bible? And will I ever achieve this? Is it possible to be right with God? Then, of course, there is the gigantic issue of finding joy once you are there, which is often contradictory. I've found that the closer I've become to God, the less happy I've been in my life. And I know that joy and happiness are two different things, but you've got to be pretty strong to find joy in an unhappy time in your life. If you can do that, great. If you're human like the rest of us, you know what I mean.

So Joy is the great mystery in my life. I can't explain it. I would love to have someone explain it to me. It's a slippery slope that I just haven't seem to grasp. Joy comes from the Lord, which means all we have to do is ask, right? Well, I've been asking, but not receiving. And maybe God has given me opportunities to find Joy in certain situations, but I haven't the eye to spot those moments. Give me Joy over Love. To me, that is the greatest thing of all.

16: Doing Good is No Ticket to Heaven

This issue of service came up last night at Christ Community. Along the same lines, my devotion says that we shouldn't evaluate our stock based on our service to others. God is not concerned what we do. All He wants is for us to love Him and let Him use us.

I'm confused. I thought God wanted us to do good things. Help the poor and those less fortunate. Ah, but we can't let that go to our heads. I see. Wow, well that's easy for a God to say, but not a human. In a world that is built around this instinctual need for acknowledgment, the task seems impossible. It's like leaving a child in a room and telling him that he can play with any toy he wants, except the electrical outlet. Sooner or later, the kids going to poke something in the wall. I believe that has happened in the history of Man. Garden of Eden ring a bell?

So if good deeds don't add anything to your heavenly stock, why do them at all? It seems that the more good you do, the harder it is to not think that those acts of generosity and kindness aren't going to pay off someday. You're digging yourself into a deeper hole of self-centeredness, my favorite part of Christianity.

So my question then becomes, 'How do you balance doing enough to show that you are a Christian, and not doing too much so that you buy into this community service for God mentality?' Ironically, there seems to be no answer, at least for me. It's one of those learn-as-you-go-along things. Yes, another struggle to add in an already struggle-filled life.

I do a lot of personal service and I admit that there are parts of me that thinks, 'God is watching me give my time. Damn! He has a blessing right around the corner.' Granted, I don't feel this way most of the time. I enjoy giving back to Greeley and it's a good way for me to forget about my own problems. However, there are days when I seek God's approval, like any good child would do. Funny though. When I started volunteering, that's when the blessings stopped. Hmm. I wonder if they are related. That must be it. The more I volunteer, the less blessings God gives me. It makes as much sense as any theory I've got already. More volunteer work equals less blessings. I get it. Because if God blessed me too much, I might actually get a happy life, too busy and too happy without Him. It's starting to make sense. So the less happy I am, the more service projects I do. Genius. Genius. Genius.

15: Pass the Test of Faith

I find it interesting that today's devotion is about faith. It claims that faith and common sense do not work together, but against each other. Hmm? So in order to have strong faith I must give up my intellect and common sense that I spent so much time building, e.g., college. There goes my $40K down the drain.

Not only that, but my faith must be tested by hard times. Great! That means that until the day I die, my faith will be tested. No free days as a Christian, huh? Nice.

While I believe that there should be some assessment of each Christian's faith with God, I must admit that to face this trial throughout our lives is a bit much. I thought that once you were a Christian, you were in the 'club' and that was it. No more jumping through loops or doing any trust exercises. I feel like I'm in fourth grade and we are doing those fall and catch activities to build trust. I love Bug Juice, the show. Don't get me wrong. It's just that I think having our faith tested throughout our entire life is a bit much. God should know that He's got me. I'm not going anywhere.

And what's the deal with, again, another so-called simple request that Jesus poses. He says that all we have to do is believe and we will see the glory of God. Sounds simple enough to me. I believe, yet I don't see the glory of God necessarily working around me in my life. Yes, I see nature and I'm grateful for what I have, but where are all the blessings? The true blessings? I'm not talking about the fact that things could be worse. To me, that's a weak argument. That defeats the whole purpose of God. Of course God could make things worse for you. If you believe in Job, then that's the perfect example. But to me that is living in fear. And that's not a relationship. If we are always afraid of God making things worse in our life, I don't want to be in that relationship. I'll feel overpowered and abused.

I just feel a little uneasy knowing that my entire life with be a huge test of faith. It's exhausting.

14: Purpose of Prayer

Yes, the purpose of prayer. One of the greatest mysteries in my life. It seems that prayer is not simply an act of asking God for things and then expecting Him to be a genii and granted those wishes. Instead, it is an act in which we get to know God Himself. Interesting.

I've been praying a lot recently. Mostly that school and my writing career go okay this year. In that sense, I guess I haven't given God enough time to respond because my prayers have been mostly one-way communication. But what I can learn from this is that through prayer, which is mostly talking to myself, I better understand my problems and issues. Thus, I find ways to work it out in the end. It's almost like talking to a friend who just simply listens.

But wait, John 16:24 says, "Ask, and you will receive..." This has to be one of the most mysterious verses in the Bible for me. I believe the verse continues with something like, "Seek and you shall find." So is the Bible saying that all I have to do is ask God and I'll get it? No. All I have to do is seek the Lord and I'll get it? No. I love how sometimes it seems that a Christian's biggest problem is said to be solved by such a simple verse. I don't know about you, but I've asked God for a lot of things over the years and I'd have to say that if I was playing Battleship, I would have a lot of misses on my board. Granted, I probably shouldn't get everything I ever ask for. God knows best so I trust His judgment. Still, I wonder why we do not always get what we ask for.

To me, I wish there was a way God could just say no. He does in certain situations, but for the most part, I feel like I'm getting God's answering machine and voice message, which leaves me waiting for when He's going to call me back.

Prayer confuses me and you'd think that I would have gotten it by now. To me, relationships are built on communication and time. Prayer provides both of these. However, that communication needs to be two-way, not one-way. It's like being interested in a girl and wanting to call her, but you're the only one that calls. She's not the one who calls, but you. Sense an unfair power situation brewing?

Despite my confusion and lack of understanding, I will continue to pray. At least I'm not the only one confused. In Luke 11, one of Jesus' disciples asks him, "Lord, teach us to pray." I relate to that guy. Lucky for him, he got a quick response from Jesus. He never had to pray to get an answer.

Day 13: Light Becomes Darkness

This blog has taken a turn as I have been, not struggling, but redefining what and who I am as a Believer. Today's word reflects that when we are on top of the mountain, when God has blessed us greatly, that we are not to forget it and must take advantage of that high point. If we fail to do so, our light will become darkness.

While that may sound like a great Lord of the Rings theme, I find it a little sad and unsettling. I never knew that our light, something good, could turn into darkness, something bad. The way this happens is through laziness and self-gratification. These two giants on the Everyday Christians' Top 5 Diseases can make us bad. Crazy? But what else are we to feel after living in the dark shadows for months, or even years? Aren't we allowed to take some time and smell some of that mountaintop air and soak in the sun? But no. According to the word, "Walk while you have the light, lest darkness overtake you..." John 12.35.

Great, so after months of suffering, I now have to keep moving from my spot of great joy, probably forward into another valley of darkness. No wonder so many Christians just stay still while the times are good. Yes, it's a bit hedonistic, but we are only human. When something feels good, in this case it is God's blessings, we get comfortable. We sure can use some comfort in this life of turbulence.

In my life, I have few to little experiences at the so-called top of the mountain. Therefore, it would be impossible for me to understand. For me, and maybe just me, a lot of Christianity is joyless. Maybe that is the darkness the reading is talking about. I enjoy some parts. I like the songs and studying the word. But I fail to see real life application...IN MY LIFE. I think it's great that people pray to a God, as do I, for things. It just gets old when these prayers go unanswered, or take a long time to be answered. I truly believe that God is good, especially since he allows us to mess up our own lives if we choose. Freedom to choose is the best gift God gave us, almost as great as giving us Jesus. It gives our life a purpose in which we have a sense of control.

Little sleep, among other things, has made me irritable for today. I'll be fine after a swim in the pool.

Day 12: Double-troubled Life

Today's quiet time topic was about troubled lives and how it is basically our fault that we have strife everyday, especially without God in our lives. Eh, I'm a little hesitant to believe that all of our problems can be prevented by being a Christ Follower. All peoples, of all categories, go through problems in life. While I understand what the devotion is saying, it makes me wonder whether or not anyone is truly at a happy state, completely and honestly satisfied with what we have.

It seems that every week at church, someone is telling me to give up my problems to God. While I know in my heart that I had done that weeks ago, it makes wonder how many others are struggling at this time. Looking across the board, everyone has something 'bad' in their life that they want to improve. Yes, God can make everything better when you trust Him, but will I ever get to the point where everything will click? Even for a moment? Or is that impossible, not because God would never allow us to be completely happy, but because true happiness and contentment is humanly impossible due to our nature.

When it comes to human nature and our natural state, I love talking about nothing more. If you don't know, I believe that our Number One, with a capital N and O, instinct in life is to reproduce and pass on our genes. I know that can go against the Christian theology of "We're here to praise God," but biologically I believe, just as Freud did, that all we want to do is live forever, and thus, pass our genes on. College, jobs, relationships, etc. are all our ways of making sure of this. And when it comes between biology and spirituality, I'm more likely to caution on the biological side of things. We do what we are programmed to do, not by morals or ethics. That is why it is so easy to sin and hard to pray and give offerings.

So I propose that maybe Christianity is a never ending journey that has no moments of pure contentment; that it is always a struggle. Obviously, to find this answer all I needed to do was to ask a veteran Christian whether or not life has been easy. I'd probably get a "It's been great with the Lord" type of answer, which is fine. I know life is great with the Lord. But what I'm looking for is contentment and perfection, states of being that seem to elude Believer and Non-Believer alike.

Day 11: Jesus could make me rich

Lots of pertinent stuff in today's devotion. My favorite line reads, "Beware of letting your natural desires hinder your walk in love before God. One of the cruelest ways to kill natural love is through the rejection that results from having built the love on natural desires."

Today's lesson comes from the wonderful world of self-sacrifice. For me, self-sacrifice can come easy for strangers, but hard for the people that I know, especially God. I love to tell myself that I will be the ultimate Christian. You know the type: goes to church more than twice a week, prays every day and reminds everyone of it, gives an offering weekly. I think I could be that person. But I always think that I could only be that person if God gave me...(Fill in the blank). What makes this frustrating is that I know that even if God were to give me said "blank," I would still want more and more, never reaching a point of satisfaction.

I guess I find it hard to believe that Jesus and I are friends. Normally, friendship is based on a relationship of trust and time, none of which I suppose I truly have experienced in the church. However, on the flip side, I think it would be hard to be a friend with someone that you have the ability to control their life. For example, if I won the lottery, I often think what will my friends and family think of me. Would they expect great gifts for Christmas, or could I get away with the $20 limit? Would they hit me up for money, justifying these claims with "But you have so much money. Why can't you give me a hundred bucks?" So I guess playing the role of Jesus in a friendship with any Man would truly be difficult. He could make our life so amazing, blessing us with riches and power. But what would that teach us? It would teach us to want more, creating greed and lust, both of which are bad things.

Day 10: Co-writing a book would be amazing

I woke up early this morning, which why I skipped my devotional time. For some strange reason, I woke up at 4:30 AM. I think it was because I was so excited to teach. My two classes were great. It reminded me of last semester.

I had the car serviced today and the nice people at the place washed not only the outside of my car, but the inside as well. The window was open and water went all over my interior. Nice, right?

I picked up some goggles for swimming. The chlorine is starting to burn my eyes. If I'm going to swim three times a week, I figured I'd get something to protect my eyes.

I had my aquarium water tested at the store. It looks good. I'm right on track for a complete cycle. I know the next fish I'm going to add to the tank. It will be in about four weeks. I can't pronounce the name, but it sounds like a dinosaur name. I'm afraid, however, that it is going to grow too big. They grow to about a foot.

I finished The Pearl last night. It was a nice read. It refueled me to continue writing my story. I'm worried about the co-writing opportunity I investigated during the summer. It would be so great to co-write a book with Pastor Wayne of New Hope back home, but we'll see. I know he will pray about it and God will let him know, which, in turn, he will let me know. I am leaving that up to God. I think the book would be amazing though. I'm just saying.

Day 9: Lost Ball

God: I had one of those Joseph moments last night where I had a few dreams, each riding the same theme. The first one I remember involved one of my fish eating another one of my fish. It was like watching a snake eat a rabbit. There was no nibbling or small bites. It was like a chronic smoker inhaling puffs of smoke. The second dream was a golf one. I was on the 16th hole at Hawaii Kai golf course. I teed off, but I could not find my ball. I continued to walk back to the clubhouse before I realized that my group had finished the hole and moved on to 17. So I went back and searched, but I could not find it. The fairway was covered in golf balls, none of them mine.

My devotion of the day talked about truly praying during quiet time. Since I've never truly set time apart for quiet time, I wouldn't know. I pray before I go to bed, a tactic I've used to help me fall asleep. Whether it's me or some sleep demon, every time I pray on my back, I fall asleep quickly. It's relaxing when I have to get up early. The same thing happens in church. I find that my best inspiration for writing happens in church, usually about the time worship is over. Strange, right? I only want to write when I'm in church and I can't even pick up my pen in my apartment unless I force myself. I love the spiritual world and my laziness.

Writing: I hope to finish yet another chapter of the book. I was an overachiever and finished my first assignment for one of my classes. It was a four page narrative about orientation week. I think it's pretty good. First day of classes is tomorrow. I look forward to teaching my kids.

Magic: I dropped off some balloons I had made at church this morning. I hope the kids enjoy them. I think I'm going to practice every Saturday night and bring the balloons to church on Sunday. My killer whale was a hit.

Fish: The fish officially survived a week. I'm pretty happy about that. For me, it's a big accomplishment that took hours of research and trial and error.

Day 8: Like Quicksand

God: I was listening to the radio today and I heard a woman call in. She had four kids and a husband who is non-responsive to her. She is a devoted Christian who truly loves God, but I've never heard a more lonely person in my life. She seemed so trapped that it made me think that marriage is not all it is cracked up to be. I'm not saying that marriage is a bad thing. It's probably one of the three greatest days in a persons' life. I guess a lot of people don't quite understand the difference between dating and marriage. While love for the person may not change between either scenario, the legal and social commitment is so much more complicated in marriage. They say that some of the loneliest people are in relationships. I never believed it until today. I guess it can be like quicksand. It pulls you down and the more you struggle, the faster you sink. It just boggles me how a Christian woman can feel so tired and alone. Four kids? How does that happen when you have four kids? To me, there is no time for lonely.

And so I guess this time, right now, is for me. I truly believe that God has something for me to do before my family life begins. I'm still not sure what that is, but I hope it's writing or teaching. That would truly be sublime.

Writing: Decided not to pause on the writing. I'll fit it in as best as I can.

Magic: Taking the week to slowly practice an hour a day.

Fish: Fed fish and watched them eat. I think the tank has cycled. The fish haven't died. I definitely need to ask the fish guy at the store about the state of my tank. Maybe another water testing.

Day 7

God: I'm currently watching Penn and Teller's Bullsh*t show on Creationism. Wow! It is yet another case in which Christians come out looking bad. The Christians want Creationism an option in the schools, while the rest want it separate. When I see radical Christians, or even good intentioned Christians, acting this way, sometimes it makes me want to change teams. Or at least change team jerseys. I wish that Christianity was like Buddhism, in that there is no attacking of others. By nature, Christianity requires its members to "change" others, correcting them of their heathen ways, right? Boy, we can sometimes be pushy and point out enough heathen ways in others to build another golden Baal.

Writing: Labored through Chapter 16 and started chapter 17. I might take a little break. With school starting, I think I'll get back to the project.

Fish: I had a dream that my two smaller fish died. Of course, that meant that I had to wake up in my sleep to check. They were fine. I'm currently debating what kind of algae eater I want to get. I have no algae so getting it now would be a mistake. More research is needed.

Day Six

God: Wild at Heart has taken a huge turn in the bold department. This chapter has made a few statements that would turn some heads in a church. The authors states that men like beautiful women more for validation of themselves than for the physical aspects of her body. Also, that women like a guy they can tame, but once they are tamed, the passion disappears. My question then becomes, "What if the guy is already tamed?" I'm not saying that my life is completely tamed, but I do think that I've got my 'checkers lined up.' So where does that leave me? Is that an unattractive quality? To me, it's like the same thing in the writing world. No one wants to read a book by a guy who has it together. They want to read about the single mom who was a prostitute and a drug addict. Her story will sell and she'll be the one writing the book. Just ask James Frey. But I accept that. No one wants to be with someone they just 'get' right away. That's why we don't date with our resumes.

Writing: Struggled to finish Chapter 16. I mapped out the rest of the novel in my mind. I've got ten more chapters to go. That should leave me at about 50K words or so. Sadly, that's more than my master's project.

Magic: Getting more interested in making balloon animals. Need to practice though.

Fish: So I think the fish are stabilizing, finally. No recent deaths, although one of the snails seems to have pulled a Houdini on me and disappeared. I'm sure it will show up.

Day 5

God: Last night's dream seems relevant to what I read for devotions this morning. In my dream, I was playing golf, quite well I might add, and all of a sudden my dad knocks me in the face a few times to the point that I can hardly breathe or move. After a few moments, I get up and walk around to where I see various extended family, each wondering what happened. I can't talk because my face is smashed in, so I nod and pass them by. My dad has never done anything like that, but it does lead into what I read this morning in Wild at Heart. The chapter focused on what fathers do to hurt their sons. While the discussion of father-son relationships was interesting, I believe it was rather vague and ambiguous. The author stated that the wound left by all fathers causes the son to either be violent or passive, or a mixture of both. I have to ask how those results can be so universal.

Writing: Finished Chapter 15, but am having serious doubts about finishing the novel before school starts. I'd have to write two chapters a day to make it. Accepted the scholarship from the Cross Family and plan to give them a nice thank you note with a balloon animal.

Fish: The fish made it through another night. Feeding will be a challenge because one of the fish is nearly blind and needs the food to be right in front of him. Debating whether or not to buy a plant so that the blind fish can eat at its discretion.

School: Nervous about the first day of teaching. Not because of the students, but because of the material. I want control of my classroom and the content that I teach. I don't feel that with this semester. We'll see how things go.

Day 4

God: I'm beginning to wonder if there is a direct relationship between owning a pet and somehow getting closer to God. Ever since I've started this fish project, I've struggled less and less with God, more willing to accept his teachings. I suppose taking care of others distracts me from my troubles and questions I have for God.

Writing: Skipped yesterday's writing session because of the orientation and because of Lost Season 2. I need to write every day for the next week to finish, but it's so hard because of all the distractions. I also submitted something for the Honolulu Advertiser. Hopefully they print it. That would be nice.

Magic: Had a nice two hour session of magic last night. Taught the guy some of my routines. I just hope that he doesn't copy what I do exactly. Already I can see that whatever I shared before has been copied to my specifications by others. I guess that's what happens when you share.

Fish: Yellow and Red seem to be doing okay. I only fed them once yesterday. Oreo, the black moor goldfish, ate some food, but I realized that he is near blind. I knew they were a hard of seeing, but that guy is clueless. Also, I think the pellet food is too big for him because he couldn't eat anything. I had to crush it and basically plop the pieces in the water right in front of him. The other fish, KitKat, is doing okay. He seems to be more active, feeding on the ungrowing bulbs of plant life that I have. I went out and bought some Stability, which should help my tank cycle faster. We'll see.

Day 3

God: I'm still absorbing the messages from Saturday night and Sunday morning. Pastor is developing a speaking style that is much better than before. He kept me interested the entire time. I think the backup QB is ready for more of a starting position. God is teaching me patience with this fish project.

Writing: Hopefully have some time to write. I've got a TA training thing so that will take up most of the afternoon. Chapter 15 will be good.

Magic: Got a call from another magician who wants me to teach them things. I didn't know I gave free magic lessons. I guess that's what happens when you're a nice guy. I'm hoping to start practicing balloons.

Fish: Another fish died. Green was freakin' out so I saved him the agony of dying in the tank. I need to buy some of that biozyme to help speed this cycle process along. With frequent water changes now, I hope to save the goldfish. If they survive the week, they'll make it.

Day Two

God: So I went to Christ Community last night. It was great. I liked how the message was geared towards something that I cared about. The message was about Satan and how he works and his capabilities. We often times put Satan on the same level as God, but he isn't. It was also good to truly understand how Satan works. His primary weapon is lying and if we know the truth, nothing can stop us.

Writing: I wrote another chapter of Billy's Balloons. Chapter 14 will be a crucial part of the novel. It's quite long, but I had to cover a lot in a short amount of time. Thinking about giving each chapter a title.

Magic: Nothing more.

Fish: Another fish died. Highjump was found dead and stuck on the filter. I went to PetCo after church and got my water tested. It's a little high in ammonia so I have to only feed the fish every other day for a while. I learned that it will take 10 weeks to break in the tank to the point where I can start having fun with the fish. I introduced two of my goldfish to the tank. One is a moor and the other is a calico. Tentative names are Oreo and KitKat. Found a dead shrimp in the tank. That's never a good sign. The other one probably died too. I think the ammonia levels are too high. I have to relax the water for a while. I hope my two new fish don't die within the week. If they make the week, I think we'll be okay. They stop going on sale on the 23rd of August.

Day 1

This new blog project is something that I've wanted to do for a while. I figure it will keep me writing and remind me that I need organize my life a little more. I hope that this will not be a blog like the millions of blogs that have fizzled out after a month, or even a week. My goal is to update any changes in any of these areas of my life: God, writing, magic, and fish.

God: Nothing much on the Holy front. I've been going back to church since I've been in Colorado. I've been praying a lot more and reading more of my devotional book, Wild at Heart. I've read it before, but it's been a while. It's a slow read for me, but I'll get it done. I've come to accept the place God has put me in as of right now. This isn't a proud moment for me, but it's one that I can at least try to enjoy.

Writing: My young adult novel has been rolling okay. I had hoped that it would be done by the time school started, but as I am writing a chapter a day, I don't think I'll make it. I'm probably about half way done and school starts in about a week. I'll try to squeeze it in. My Master's project is looking good. I hope to present at the end of October. Thanks to my major professor, I might get my first short story published in the Alaska Quarterly Review. It's no guarantee, but it's looking good.

Magic: I've met up with a couple of magicians already. We had a good session, but like I said earlier, I want to focus solely on writing and school for the time being. It's not that magic isn't great. I have tons of magic supplies across of my room to look at. I guess I'm realizing that magic isn't going to get me into a PhD program, unless I apply to Hogwarts.

Fish: Raising a couple of goldfish has become my new project this semester. I've spent enough money to show for that. In my 20 gallon tank, I currently have five fish, two snails, and two ghost shrimp. I originally had six, but one died the day I got it. I called him Graveyard. My other fish are Highjump, Tommy Gun, and the Stoplight Brothers: Red, Green, and Yellow. I hadn't quite named the other guys in the tank, but I'm glad that my one snail stopped floating at the top. He was worrying me for a bit and at about $2 a snail, I was afraid that I would have to make another stop at the pet store. Those guys must be loving all the money I've spent in the last week. Oh well. I guess that's just how it goes. I'm doing more research before I buy my two goldfish and add them to the tank. Reading books and searching the web have been a big help.