38: Other Things to do on Sundays

Top 10 Things I could do on Sundays instead of church

10. Watch NFL football with friends and family - Fellowship is important
9. Sleep in - No working on the Sabbath
8. Clean up the house - Cleanliness is next to holiness
7. Exercise - My body is God's temple
6. Prepare my lesson plans for the week - My students deserve my best
5. Take a walk in the woods - Take time to enjoy God's beauty
4. Treat a friend to breakfast - It's important and okay to show love to people who aren't Christians
3. Visit a nursing home - Don't forget about the widows and elderly (the least of these)
2. Work on my Master's Project - School is important
1. Spend time with family - Sundays are days to go golfing or fishing with loved ones. I love my family.

But I choose, instead of doing these things, to go to church.

37: Nietzsche's Letter

I have been preparing myself for a look into Nietzsche, the great philosopher, for a while now. Upon learning of his background, I find that we have similar experiences. He, too, dropped out of seminary and turned to a life of intellectual thought. His most famous quote, "God is dead," may upset a lot of people, but I find it rather interesting. He was, after all, the son of a pastor, and to say such a thing must have had, in my mind, good validations and reasoning. But I will get to that later. Instead, I want to journey through some of his most influential works, one step at a time, to test my own faith and to open my understanding on philosophy.

In Nietzsche's letter to his sister, he says, "If we believed from childhood that all salvation issued from someone other than Jesus, is it not certain that we should have experienced the same blessings?" He goes on to say that if you want peace and pleasure of the soul, all you have to do is believe. If you want the truth, you will have to search yourself.

With his first statement, that we would receive the same blessings if we believed in a different faith, I have to believe it is true. Not because he's Nietzsche, but because it makes sense. All people from different religious, even non-religious, backgrounds receive blessings. To say that my blessings would increase because I turned to a different faith is ignorant. If this were the case, that you would receive, let's say, 100 blessings a year if you were a Christian, I would think people would catch on and want to be Christians instead of Hindus, who, let's say, only get 45 blessings a year. If we got a certain amount, or certain types of blessings, just based on our faith, I would have found the best one by now. Trust me. I'd be cashing in. And you might too.

This also makes me think, then, that if it doesn't matter what faith we have, and that blessings either happen or don't, what about heaven for all? This has been an idea I've had for a long time. What if God loved everyone so much that we all got in? I know that that goes against the Bible. It plainly states that we must accept Christ as our Savior and believe that He died on a cross for our sins. But what if? What if God, through His infinite love, decided that everyone gets in, no matter what you did on Earth, because He loves us just that much?

This idea gets a lot of Christians mad. It's understandable. "I'm busting my butt, sacrificing my life so that I can get into heaven. No way is THAT guy, the non-Christian, going to get in." But to me, this shows that Christians are only concerned with the reward, heaven, and not the relationship part. Paul says that our relationship with God is a marathon, and that we shouldn't be racing each other. Instead, we should be encouraging each other.

Well, Nietzche makes a great point, overall. I don't believe that if I were a Buddhist, or even a Mormon, that my life's blessings would be all that different. To take it a step further, I don't believe that if I were deemed a Baptist or Calvinist, that my life would be without its blessings. I suppose that faith and blessings work independently from faith. That we don't need faith to get blessings in life. I guess this is why bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Life doesn't care where you go on Saturdays or Sundays to pray, or even if you go.

36: God, speak up!

How do you know when God is giving you a sign? I have absolutely no idea. In fact, if I did know, I'd be set. I'd look and listen for signs from Him constantly, which is something I should already be doing now, but I'm scared I might be making something out of nothing. Despite what some may say, I believe that God does not control all. Sometimes things in life happen because they happen. If I drop a pencil, it just happens. God did not drop the pencil. I did. Just because someone dies in a car crash doesn't mean that God did it. Things happen. People die. The end.

My main problem is figuring out if God is giving me the sign or if it's just coincidence. I have already accepted that God will never speak to me through a burning bush, donkey, or dream. He will speak to me in a subtle way that I hope challenges me to truly believe in Him.

Discerning God's signs scares me because I, as a selfish person, can construe anything into anything. For example, if I want to steal something I might ask God, "God, if you don't want to steal this game, please speak up and say no." I even would say please. Of course, God says nothing. I hear no booming voice and so I could, technically, assume that God wants me to steal the game, right? This is where the problem lies. Now apply this to more important issues in life and I hope you can see how problematic this can be. "God, should I stay in my current relationship? I need a sign. If you say no, I'll leave. But if you stay quiet, I will assume that means yes." So instead of talking to the almighty God, we manipulate and tell ourselves what we want to hear. Lame.

I wish God would speak up. It seems like He only speaks to pastors and prominent church leaders. What about the regular people? There are more of us than pastors and holy men. Some might say that the problem isn't God speaking, but our ability to listen. That we just aren't listening to Him. Well, I think that as God, He should be the bigger person and speak up.

GOD, I CAN'T HEAR YOU. SPEAK UP. TALK LOUDER. SHOW ME SOMETHING. ENOUGH OF THE ALLUSIONS TO WHAT YOU WANT. JUST TELL ME.

35: Divorce in the church

One of my favorite topics to discuss is divorce. Not that I have been through this terrible experience, or wish this on anyone, but I do love the irony of it. People get married and declare their love for one another by spending a lot of money on just one day of their lives. Within 5-10 years, the marriage that was once so exciting becomes dull and burdensome, leading to a lot of paperwork, expensive lawyers, and hurt for the children.

I was given an article by a friend and enjoyed reading it. I later checked to see how my fellow Christians are doing in the world of marriage and the numbers surprised me a bit. While Christians aren't up at the 50% number, the number of divorced individuals in the church is around 30%, give or take. I love the fact that the atheists and agnostics have the lowest number in comparison with all Christian religions. This number can be somewhat misleading, but it still makes you wonder and think what we, as believers, are doing wrong, and what they, the 'heathens,' are doing right.

Author Donald Hughes states that 90% of divorces among born-again couples occur after they have been "saved." This proves that just because two Christians get married, it doesn't mean that divorce is out of the question.

I guess these statistics make me feel good, at least for the moment. They show me that I'm not missing out on that much. Once you look beyond the sex, I'm thinking marriage is work, hard work. There are great marriages out there, for sure. I'm always happy when I meet an elderly couple who has made it. But the reminder of divorce slaps me in the back of the head every time I question whether or not I need to get paired off now.

Why rush if it's going to end in 5 years behind a trail of tears, heartache, and lost time? I like taking care of me, myself, and I. If the right girl came, I'd welcome her. I'd think, That's great. But marriage, for me, will be a life time sentence. No take backs or do overs.

34: I give God money and He blesses me, right?

Tithing came up at church this weekend, as most Sundays. It is a subject that I often wonder about. The Bible distinctly says in Malachi that we can challenge God on this. We can't test Him on anything else, but the giving of money is fair game. Wow, I wonder which high church official thought of this one. It seems like a great way to get money from people.

First off, why can't I test God on other things? To me, that's a little picky. I would love to say, "God, I'll stop sinning in this area of my life, if you give me (fill in the blank)." Yet, I can't because that would be testing God and He doesn't like to be tested. This makes me wonder if man created this rule instead of God because it is inconsistent with His character. We either can or can't test God on all things. There are no exceptions. Exceptions and excuses are man-made.

Secondly, the verse says that if you tithe, God will give you more blessings than you know what to do with. "Test me on this and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour our so much blessings that you will not have room enough for it." Malachi 3:10. In other words, if we challenge God and tithe our money away, He will bless us with more stuff than we know what to do with. Is this true? It's starting to sound like we can buy blessings from God if we give Him money. I believe the Catholics tried this once. They called it indulgences.

I've heard people (pastors), earthly people, guarantee that if I give money to God, I will be blessed. The only way to see if this is true, to truly test God, is to count one's blessings when not tithing compared to the blessings one receives when tithing.

Also, no where does it talk about or consider the heart of the giver. I can give a million dollars to the church, but if my heart is bad, my money becomes nothing to God. It will mean a lot to man, but nothing to God. The heart's condition, therefore, is critical in tithing. If I were to give with a hateful heart, surely God would not bless me, right?

Can God bless someone with a hateful heart?

I've personally tried this challenge with tithing and was disappointed that I wasn't blessed after giving. I gave ten percent of my income for a few months, and was promised that after those months, I would be blessed. While I was blessed in life during that time (meaning I didn't die), I never got what I truly wanted. Thus, I concluded that tithing doesn't work. I've heard stories that people give money when they really can't afford to and somehow God blesses them. In my case, I challenged God, called His bluff, and found myself a little poorer.

Maybe you've tried tithing and have been blessed. Good for you. But while God blesses you, He ignores thousands of others who give each week, all expecting their lives to change.

33: Can God Do Bad?

I thought about something during church this weekend. I often do my best thinking during church. It's funny how that always seems to happen. I get my best story ideas from just sitting down and listening to people sing and talk.

Anyway, the question was: Can God really do bad? Does he bring misfortune purposely on people? Obviously, He did that when He sent the plagues to Egypt, but can He, in all His goodness and glory, send bad things to the righteous? He's God. Of course He can, but does that make it right, or consistent, with His character?

To me, it's unfair that God takes all the glory for the good stuff, but none of the credit for the bad. Maybe He does take responsibility for the bad, but I feel that Christianity, today, tends to not want to blame God for anything and attribute bad events and occurrences to "life."

As a true God, He must take all responsibility on the good, bad, luck, change, misfortune, etc. To only take the good is to be selfish. And God can't be selfish, can He? He is a jealous God, something I find amusing from time to time. But I thought jealousy was a bad thing, a sin. I thought that we weren't supposed to covet what other people had. It might have been commandment #6. So does that make jealousy okay? If God does it, it must be okay. We are striving to be god-like all the time and must, by principle, take His goodness and His not-so-goodness.

At the end of the day, I'll take God's love, patience, and compassion with a side of jealousy, anger, and judgment. Now that's a plate lunch I could surely eat.

32: I might miss God if...

I'm going to take a break on the book of Job today and focus on something that has been bothering me over the last week or so. It seems that I am pretty apathetic towards God now that I am busy with school and work. Yes, there are moments of guilt, but mostly, it feels kind of good to be so busy that God has no room in my life. It sounds harsh, but it's been pretty nice.

I still pray and I plan on going to church, but throughout the week I have so much to do and so much on my mind. I love this full speed mode. It allows me to work on "my stuff" and keeps me away from trouble. It's almost as if I wrote God out of my life. Not completely, of course, but time wise I just don't have time to think about all of the Why's and How come's? It's like a vacation.

Maybe I need to be like this all the time. Thinking about God and why He does things the way He does is tough. I love getting lost in my work, which is just for me. Granted, I am still serving God while I work, but He isn't on my mind all the time. In fact, He's just like an uncle that I only see every so often.

I love being apathetic. It's amazing. I know these words are blasphemous, and God will probably smite my life in some unexpected way, but it's kind of a nice change of pace. I love being focused on something other than Christianity and theology for a change. My mind needs a productive distraction so that I don't go crazy with endless loops of questions.

It may seem like I don't care about God, but that's not true. I love God and everything He's done for me. It's just nice to kind of hide for a while, away from God's blessings and punishments. For me, it's mostly punishment so it's kind of nice. If God, perhaps, blessed me more (ouch, I'm gonna hear about this one later and I'll probably regret saying 'more') I would probably miss him more. But because I currently associate God with judgment and not blessings, I like the leave of absence my mind is taking. It's like going on vacation to a place where no one knows you.

However, I am, in the back of my mind, worried that because I have said all of these things, or even if I just thought them, God will lash at me with all He's got. You know, make a "Job" out of me. But I think some time apart is nice. I know even though my mind is not on Him, His mind is still on me, which is nice. School is important and I have a lot on my plate for the next month. I need God's help, but sometimes it's nice to have Him out of the way. Being a Christian, I am learning, is not all about blessings and heavenly gifts. It's about restraint and controlling ourselves. It's about earthly bondage and sacrifice. Those are great things when heaven is the reward. But I'm not here to just get into heaven. I'm searching, now, for more than the reward. Christianity is boring and I don't like it in its current state for me. In a lot of ways I don't know what it's like to be a Christian. I know some Bible things and can bring in an interesting perspective, but I don't have that close relationship with God that a lot of others have. I have one based on complaining and intellect. Mostly it's just me complaining, God either ignoring me or taking things away from me, and my mind versus God. Not a lot of room for blessings and joy.

But I'm getting there. Slowly. Slowly.

31: At What Point Should God Push Us?

Chapter Nine is Job's response to Bildad, which seems a little forced. He basically says that he knows that he cannot argue with God. He acknowledges God's almighty power and understands the separation between God and himself.

However, he says some interesting things, such as he says he would argue with God if he could. I like that. I like that a lot. But, of course, he can't argue with God because God does not answer. And even if He could, God would not listen to our complaints. "Even if I summoned him and he responded, I do not believe he would give me a hearing. He would crush me with a storm and multiply my wounds for no reason." Nice God. So if we call your name, like the Third Day song implies, You would crush us and make our suffering worse. To me, Job has gotten to the point where he begins thinking suicidal thoughts. He constantly says that he despises his life and wishes he was dead. I guess Job isn't a champion of God after all. I guess having all that 'stuff' really helped him become a Christian. I'm not saying that I'm better than Job. Hell, if Christianity promised me riches and material things I would be more devoted than I am now. Yes, I'm selfish. But at this point, I know that everyone is selfish too.

So my question is at what point should God push us or challenge us? I've heard people say that God will never give us more than we can handle, but what about the psychological damage He can do by bringing us to the brink of despair. He allowed his best Christian soldier to experience turmoil and heartache just for some silly bet. Job now is cursing the day he was ever born. That doesn't sound very Christian to me.

In my life, I think that the Oregon experience gave me some direction, but what about the damage it caused, the side effects that will stay with me forever. Were those planned by God? In no way is depression and suicidal thoughts ever a good thing. So why would God bring us to that point? I just don't get Him and His ways. I'm all for being pushed to my limits, but to say that if something doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger is foolish. Just ask all those people who did die because they were pushed to the limit.

This mentality only needs to fail once.

30: Christians are Nice Guys. Thanks.

Chapter Eight introduces us to Job's second friend named, Bildad. However, unlike his name suggests, he is not fatherly-like at all. He claims that Job is being punished because he has sinned. Job should stop complaining and start repenting.

While I don't necessarily agree with him, I do like the way in which he says what he says. He is poetic and smooth. He says that we should look to the past, which, in modern times, could suggest looking at the Bible. By searching the Bible, we can see that we know nothing. But this is not to belittle our intellectual abilities. It only proves that we are infants in spiritual growth. Even I, the somewhat great scholar (cough), have a lot to learn.

He further states that we cannot grow without this foundation. He compares us to weeds without water. "Can papyrus grow tall where there is no marsh? Can reeds thrive without water?"

However, I believe Bildad gets it wrong when he states that God does not reject the righteous man and does not strengthen the hand of the wicked. Perhaps in the afterlife all things will be just, but on earth, this earth, I question how bad people gain material wealth and are deemed successful. By Bildad's thoughts, all Believers should be happy and all non-Believers should be weak. In the real world, however, I almost see the exact opposite. It is the Christians who are weak and the non-believers who are successful. Granted, this is only on earth and not in all eternity, but still. We, as humans, don't know the afterlife and cannot comprehend infinity. Therefore, life, to us as we can understand it, is what we see on earth, now.

I do believe that even if God does not intentionally reject the righteous man, He still can ignore him and cause him pain. Also, I believe that God can give the wicked power, such as he did in Pharoah's heart when he told Moses that his people could not go. Right there, in one of the Bible classics, is an example of how God can deem power to the wicked. Ah, but wait. It's for His purpose, right? So I guess that makes it okay?

No, it doesn't. It makes life more confusing. So as Christians are labeled as nice guys, everyone else can live based on their natural instincts and scratch and claw for whatever they can before they die. This may seem like a tortoise and the hare type of race, but sometimes it pays to be the hare. Remember, just don't stop to take a nap.

29: Let me alone, God

Chapter Seven. Boy, what a downer. Job compares the life of a Believer to that of a slave 'longing for the evening.' He is very poetic in his analogies. And I can't disagree with him. Life as a Believer has been, at least for me, a struggle. It's been misery. Granted, there have been some fun times, but mostly it's been about sacrifice, guilt, and fear. This is why I'm trying to search for a true relationship with God, a relationship not built on said things.

Job, in a way, stands up to God in this scene. He says that as a man, he has only one short life to live. Unlike God, his life is limited on this earth and he does not want it to be wasted in misery. I love this because I felt the same way in Oregon. God is good and great. I submit to those facts. Yet, I hate it that God can 'waste' my time and my life, even for only a moment because I know how precious life is. My breathe is limited to 70 years or so and for God to spend even a day of it, in my mind, on punishment bothers me. Doesn't it bother anyone else? For God, time does not exist. But humans, for life, time is the great equalizer. We all expire and I just hate it when my time is used as a lesson-teaching afterschool special.

The greatest statement in this section is "Let me alone." Job talks to God and I love it. There are times when I feel like I want God to leave me alone. I know that this becomes problematic in theological groundings, but it would be nice to take the credit for things that happen in life and also to take the blame. The later is more important to me. I can give all the praise to God when things are good. That's fine. But when things are bad, I'd rather place the blame on myself than wonder if the blame goes to God. And another thing, Can we blame God for bad things that happen? Is God blameless? Is God responsible for nothing bad, only good?

I have no idea, but for me, if God takes the glory, He must, take the blame. I don't care who you are, but you can't just take the glory and ignore the blame. It's a part of the job. There needs to be someone or something that takes the responsibility.

28: You're a good man, Charlie Job

I'm liking Job more and more. He replies to his friend with some deep philosophical-Confucius-type questions and observations. "Is tasteless food eaten without salt, or is there flavor in the white of an egg?" That's pretty deep if you ask me.

He goes on to state that he really feels God's cold shoulder, a feeling I know well. He can't figure out why, which is a nice setup for the story. If an angel appeared and told him everything, I would think that this is a great tale, but unrealistic. God does not tell me what I'm doing wrong with His voice. Yes, I know I need to learn to listen to God, but Job's situation is more realistic and I appreciate that. He is left in the dark as to why his life has become the bottom of a trash can.

I also like how he compares his friends to a stream of water. While the rain is good, words of support flow from their mouth. Yet, when times are bad, they abandon him or scorn his actions. This is telling often of how good a friend really is. It's easy to be friends with someone when things are going well. It's those friends who stick with you when times are bad that are true friends. They aren't afraid to ask what's wrong and are willing to talk about the problems at hand.

I like how Job stands up for himself, even in the company of friends. He could have bought into what Eliphaz said, that God is disciplining him for something that is unrighteous in his life. But he knows God; he has a relationship with God that is personal and true. He admits that something is not the way it used to be, but he needs time to figure it out. Yet, he has faith through all of this. You are a good man, Job. A good man.

27: A-cracked-glass-is-half-empty-kind-of-guy

Chapter Five is more ranting by Eliphaz, who comes across as a legalistic believer, at least to me. While I sometimes enjoy pointing out the Christian deficiencies in others from time to time, this guy is brutal. He tells Job to embrace the discipline God is giving him, as if Job needed to be corrected. According to the beginning of the story, Job was nearly perfect. What did he need to improve on? Of course, it's easy to talk down to others when it isn't happening to you. Isn't that right, Eliphaz?

Again, I understand that Eliphaz is just trying to make sense of all of the bad things that have happened to his friend. I would appreciate that if bad things happened to me. Ahem. But in quickly saying that it is Job's own fault that bad things are happening to him is bad theology, of which I used to buy into. I often thought that bad things happen to Christians, more specifically me, because of something that I did to upset God. Granted, God does get mad and throws bolts of thunder down upon us sometimes, but most of the time, I believe, bad things happen because that is just life. And life does not discriminate between believer and non-believer. That's why good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. It just happens. There is no direct correlation between goodness/badness and how life treats you. This, in a way, is nice. If only good things happened to you if you were a good person, no one would be nice for the sake of being nice. Good deeds would carry baggage with them, which is, of course, a bad thing.

So while I do worship a God who COULD make my life an easy drive down main street, it doesn't mean that He will do that for me. And I shouldn't expect Him to do that either. That is important in my life. No expectations. I believe, but don't expect things to happen. Yes, call me a pessimist. I'm a "glass is half empty" kind of guy, but it's only empty because there is a crack in the side. I have faith that God will take care of me. The details are for Him to worry about, not me.

A weekend in Fort Collins sure clears the mind.

26: Eliphaz the Termite

Eliphaz the Temanite, or what I thought was Termite, speaks kind words to Job. In Chapter 4, he tells Job to remember all the good things he has done in his life and that God would never punish him. Eliphaz believes that if you live a good life God will give you good things. If you live a bad life, God will give you bad things. This theology makes sense, but unfortunately isn't how things work.

For me, if this is how Christianity functioned, I would get it. You do good, you get good. You do bad, you get bad. And I'm not talking about in the afterlife. I'm talking about now. Do-gooders get stuff now. Not later, but now. My driveway would have a nice Corvette in it. I would have a house that has a driveway to put my Corvette in it. I'd be financially secure. I'd have a wonderful family. Basically, I'd win the lottery and want to have everything.

But alas, spiritual riches are only given in heaven. In the meantime, I must be content with what I have. Not an easy task when the non-Believe lifestyle looks so much more fun.

Eliphaz appears to be a good friend. He encourages and his words can be uplifting to someone who is questioning God. Then he goes on to say that he was visited by a spirit, probably an angel. In this dream/vision, the spirit asks him if man can be more righteous than God. Ouch!

Now Eliphaz is turning the blame on Job. I think that he now thinks that Job believes he is holier than God and should repent. Damn! I thought Eliphaz was a good friend. He's like one of those friends that uses any of your bad occasions to promote how holy he or she is. While that's great for them to brag, it doesn't really help you out in your walk with God. It just makes you feel bad.

So I guess, in that sense, Eliphaz is like a termite. He may seem harmless at first, but damage is done over time and he wears you away until you have no support in your self-esteem.

At least Job has two other friends, right?

25: G.I. Job, A Real Christian Hero

Yes! Stand up for yourself! Finally! Job says what I sometimes think. He is speaking like a real Christian, not those fake ones that have everything going for them. I'm proud of Job for finally getting into the tough questions. I've heard enough Bible stories where good things happen. We finally get a holy man who is pissed off at God, something we can all relate to.

So Job speaks and what comes out of his mouth is quite disturbing. Chapter 3 is a big rant about how he wishes he wasn't born and that he curses the day of his birth. That's cool. It's a little dramatic and suicidal, but mostly kind of funny. He didn't speak for seven straight days and the first thing that comes out of his mouth is "May the day of my birth perish, and the night it was said, 'A boy is born!" Again, it's a little dramatic.

He talks about, in great detail, how lucky the dead are because they do not have to suffer. He admits that he has no peace, but turmoil. While Job may be talking about the physical dead, I believe he speaks of the spiritual dead.

I often find myself asking the same question: Why is light (happiness) given to those who are spiritually dead (non-Christian)? I wouldn't care about this answer except that while those individuals have light, I have darkness, nothing.

Job sums it up pretty well. "Why is life given to a man whose way is hidden, whom God has hedged in? For sighing comes to me instead of food; my groans pour out like water."

Buddy, we are still trying to figure out this one. Why do good things happen to non-Believers? Let me rephrase that. Why do non-Believers get BLESSED? I thought blessings were saved only for God's children. It seems like He hands out blessings like they're at random.

Again, this wouldn't be a problem for me if I, as a Believer, received a few more blessings....

...I have to catch myself when I do this. I'm trying to recognize my blessings, even if I don't ask for them. So I apologize in mid-sentence.

This illustrates that we will always compare ourselves to other people. It's human nature. I guess the thing to remember is that while we may see others as having great things that we want, we probably have a few things that others want as well. This shouldn't boost our ego, but rather give us confidence in what we have.

24: Names that roll off the tongue

The end of Chapter 2 introduces Job's three church friends. We have Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar - three names that roll off the tongue like barbed wire. When they saw their friend suffering, they sat next to him and suffered with him.

Job's three friends illustrate an imporant part of Christianity. Believers need to have a support system of friends who can provide comfort. They dirtied themselves and sat silently with Job for seven days. That's empathy in it's truest form. Often times I think that Christianity is this solitary journey. You know, it's like an odyssey because at the end of the day it's our soul and our relationship with God that counts. But over time, I'm slowly allowing others to help me and listen to what I'm going through. It's hard because it puts you in a compromising position. But I guess the thing to understand is that we all fall short of God's glory. A sad, yet comforting thing to know.

We'll later meet Job's friends, but it's good to see that their intentions were good, although their theology may have been bad. Christians mostly have good intentions as well, but we sometimes don't have our theology straight or we don't have enough tactfulness. Understanding is important when dealing with other people because without it, we become zeolots.

Fish: I bought a new fish today. It was on sale at Petco for $1. I'm also thinking about buying a couple of betta fish to keep in two of the extra tanks I have.

23: Broken pieces of pottery

Chapter 2 moves into Job's second test. God asks Satan if Job has cursed His name, and Satan replies no. However, Satan says, if God were to inflict physical damage on Job, he would surely curse his name. So Satan covers Job's body with boils. His wife tells him to give up his God walk, but Job, being righteous, says that we must accept the good with the bad.

Again, I see myself in Satan's situation. If I were to take away things from someone else and they remained faithful to God, I would probably come up with an excuse too. There are times when I feel like some pastors have it all. Now I know that being a pastor is tough. As a spiritual leader, they must feel the pressure from God and their peers. However, they must know in the back of their minds that God will take care of them. They are usually married and have 2+ children. That's not a bad lifestyle. And for some reason, most of them get married at such a young age that they don't know what it's like to have to date after college. In this sense, they are the exception, not the norm. If most people get married at 27 or 28, how can they understand the difficulty of meeting people?

What I find interesting in this section is that when Job is giving the bad case of the boils, he scrapes them off with a broken piece of pottery. Wow, anyone else sense the blatant metaphor? A broken piece of pottery scraping the 'broken piece of pottery' - Job. It is perfect. The symbolism is great.

Lastly, what is up with the wife? They are obviously not equally yoked. Maybe they were at some time, but the wife is clearly not as close to God as Job. She is telling him to curse God and he is not. The word 'integrity' that the wife refers to makes me think of pride. I believe she is asking him to let go of his pride and to curse God.

It's hard to imagine Christianity with pride, but I believe that Christians can bring pride into the church. As one of the seven deadly sins, Pride is a God killer. It makes us holier than thou. But it is interesting that the wife refers to this. For me, I like to think that pride only exists outside of the church. You know, only in the real world. But the truth is that pride goes with us everywhere, just as lust and greed latch onto our backs.

Still, I give Job a lot of credit. He could have listened to his wife and cursed God. That would have been easy. She made it seem okay. I guess she was just supporting her man. But he resisted. However, there are worst things than boils and I think Job realized that. He knew that things were going to get worse, yet he still trusted God.

I still don't believe that the story of Job happened. Nothing concrete has come through the text. I want to make it clear that I believe everything else in the Bible. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins, etc. But the story of Job seems to much like a Greek play and it just doesn't make any sense. That's fine. God will have to work on my heart and my mind as I go through this book. I am open to anything He says.

22: Losing it All in a Day

So our story continues. Satan gets to play God for a day in the life of Job, while God sits back and lets it all unfold. It must have been nice to take a vacation longer than just "the seventh day."

So let's recap Job's first test. First, some enemies, the Sabeans (no relation to Alabama Football Head Coach Nick Saban), took all of Job's oxen and donkeys and killed all of the servants in the fields, except the one messenger. I guess that's where the old western movies got that from. And remember how livestock were as good as gold in the Bible days. Satan, or we can argue greed, took Job's wealth. Well played, but as for me, it's a little too superficial. Surely Satan would rest a day and get Job tomorrow.

But wait. Another messenger comes in the room and says that fire from God has destroyed all of the sheep and some servants, leaving only him alive. So now Job can't film any more Serta bed commercials and has lost some shepherds. Damn! I love those claymation sheep. But surely Satan would take it easy on the guy. It's only his first day on the job.

But no. Satan isn't done yet. Another group of raiders, the Chaldeans, come and take his camels, the transportation vehicles of the time. So basically the Chaldeans did a "Gone in 60 Seconds" on Job. Bummer. And of course, all of the car mechanics, I mean camel servants, were killed except the one messenger.

Okay, that's fine. So Job has lost a little wealth. He lost his oxen, donkeys, sheep, and camels, but those things are replaceable. They are ONLY animals anyway. It's not like Satan would take things that are irreplaceable on the first day.

Nope. Wrong again. Satan causes the house where his children are eating to fall and kill all of them. Now that is just pure evil. While the other things that happened could be replaced, Job's kids could never have been replaced. There is only one of each of us, unless you are a twin, in which case there are two. But the kids? That was pretty low.

It's interesting to note that these bad happenings are similar to the plagues that the Egyptians went through when Moses and the Pharoah had their little scuffle. Animals died. Fire came from the sky. People died. Children died. I guess God's work is consistent.

So what does Job do next? Does he file a lawsuit against God, claiming that He messed everything up? No. Job just tears his clothes off and shaves his head, still praising God in this unfortunate storm. Damn, what a saint! Could any of us do this? I get mad when I miss a traffic light on the way to school. I get mad when I can't find any parking outside of my apartment. I get mad when I am out of bread in the frig. There is no way that I could do this. No way. Especially with my children just dying.

But wait, didn't Job sacrifice an animal every day? Of course! He sacrificed offerings for all of his children so that if a day like this ever occurred, he would know that they would go to heaven. The ultimate insurance plan! Genius! So I guess Job, while torn and sad, could find some hope in this situation in that he knew his kids could go to heaven. And there is something to learn through this act of faith. He placed no blame on God. That's incredible considering that I would place the blame entirely on God. I am so NOT like Job. We are really two different people with completely different attitudes and relationships concerning God.

However, that just shows how much I have to grow. I'd like to be more like Job. Rich, powerful, and famous. Just kidding. I'd like to be closer to God, in a relationship that doesn't just jump to anger and blame. I'm sure Satan saw that his first efforts were ineffective and was pissed. Of course, he's not letting down anytime soon. He'll bring it on day two.

21: Challenging God

Yes, the story of Job begins. This first scene is epic. Someone needs to write a play about this if there isn't already one.

⁶ One day the angels came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them. ⁷ The LORD said to Satan, "Where have you come from?"
Satan answered the LORD, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it."

⁸ Then the LORD said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil."

⁹ "Does Job fear God for nothing?" Satan replied. ¹⁰ "Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. ¹¹ But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face."

¹² The LORD said to Satan, "Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger."
Then Satan went out from the presence of the LORD.

The plot is set. Satan believes that Job only fears God because He has blessed him. Fair argument. I've stated the exact same thing about others. "If he/she didn't have (fill in the blank), they would surely not be a Christian. I know that because I wouldn't." Of course, this is why the story of Job is NOT about Job, but about Satan. God, through Job, is showing Satan His power and the love that His children have for Him. So if I sometimes act like Satan, in this story at least, then I know I have a lot to learn. I don't think that's a bad thing to relate to Satan. We do it all the time. That's what makes Paradise Lost such a great story. Anyway, I digress.

I hate to admit it, but I would love to be in Satan's situation...in this story. He gets to upfront challenge God. I'm somewhat cynical. I know. I'm trying to shed the bitterness. But until then, I would be panting like a dog to get a chance like this. Satan, the master of darkness, gets to mess around with God's best soldier. Are you kidding me? It's like getting free shots at dodgeball or sham-battle. Satan must have been pretty happy that, for a moment in history, he could be God for a day. He got to control everything about Job, except his mortality.

If I had this chance, where would I begin? I would immediately take away his wife and children and wipe out any extended family. That would be pretty much it. I think I'd have Job cursing God in no time, or anyone else. To me, if you take away a man's wife and kids, he's pretty much done. We see how valuable wives were to those great men of God. Even today, behind every great man is an even greater woman. Adam had everything he could want, but he still needed Eve. So, if I get the wife, I get the man. Marriage is tricky in that sense. Satan only need to get one of you and he has both of you. It's a 2-for-1 special with couples. Enough of the wishing-I-were-Satan thinking. It's bad. I know. But you can't help but wonder what you would have done.

I suppose that praising God through tough times is one of the biggest things I don't yet understand. How do you praise God in the storms? There are tons of songs about it. "I Still Believe" by Jeremy Camp and "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns are a couple of examples. When God is good, He is really good. But when God is "bad" things just suck. I commend people who manage to praise God in those storms or valleys. That is the type of relationship I am currently seeking with God. The type of relationship that has no reward/punishment system. That true relationship with God eludes me and it is frustrating as hell. It seems like everyone else understands the math problem except me.

Another interesting thing about this story is that Satan comes to God's house. Now, I thought that God, being light and all, could not be in the presence of darkness, i.e., Satan. Yet, how do they manage to talk to each other? It is also important to note that Satan is not omnipresent; he must travel the world, meaning he can't be everywhere at once. That's reassuring, but he's got an army of demons to do his work.

We next get to Job. Poor guy. He was just minding his own business and living the sweet life. I can't wait to see what happens.

20: Job Hunt

Today is a new day and I decided to drop my Oswald Chambers devotional and start with a new attitude at the book of Job. So "Job Hunt" does not refer to searching for a means of financial income. While I don't really believe that the story occurred, I have been told otherwise that this is the place to start on my new attitude towards God. What's the new attitude? It's one that seeks God with no expectation to receive rewards. I guess we start at the beginning.

¹ In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil. ² He had seven sons and three daughters, ³ and he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and had a large number of servants. He was the greatest man among all the people of the East.

⁴ His sons used to take turns holding feasts in their homes, and they would invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. ⁵ When a period of feasting had run its course, Job would send and have them purified. Early in the morning he would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, "Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts." This was Job's regular custom.

So besides Job having the unfortunate name that reads as our present day word for 'job,' Job was a pretty rich guy. It is hard to discern whether he became rich because he was blameless and upright, but I'm thinking that he probably was a God-fearing man before he became insanely rich. I know that owning a bunch of animals may not seem like a big deal these days, but I've learned that owning animals in those days was huge. When God blessed Abraham financially, he gave him cattle. God was nice, but it couldn't provide milk or meat. And in those days, it was all about the 'next meal,' or 'daily bread.' The passage also indicates that Job was the greatest man in all of the East. I could believe that since he did have a lot of wealth and he was right with God. Perhaps the writer was implying both material and spiritual wealth. Hmm? Something to note.

Obviously, if you are familiar with the story of Job, it carries with it a family theme. Well, minus all the death and destruction that Job must endure. But it's important to note that Job wasn't stuck up about his wealth. That he still had time for family and that his family was close. They dined all the time, according to the scripture. How cool is that? A rich family that stays humble. Do I sense good parenting?

We also learn that Job sacrifices offerings 'for the sake of the children' - a phrase popularized by Joy Kogawa in Obasan. He does this by the off chance that his kids sinned. What a guy! He is just that holy and thoughtful. So often times I've heard of stories where parents pray for their children even though their kids may not be living a Christian lifestyle. I often wonder why. Really, what good does that do? But I guess if a rich guy with everything going in his life takes the time to pray for his kids, it must be worth something. I also like how this sacrifice is a custom for Job and not just a do-it-when-things-get-bad ritual. He really does it all the time. Granted, he has the resources to do it, but we, as believers in today's world, can make similiar sacrifices. Because of Jesus, we stopped doing that ridiculous animal sacrifice thing. Instead, Jesus died and so forgiveness and salvation can be gained with no bloodshed. I'm sure PETA is thankful for that. So we can still offer up prayer for those we care about each day in hopes that they may be forgiven for their sins. It may not do anything, but it's better than nothing. And better than nothing is sometimes good enough until God steps in.

19: Act More Like God

This is the first devotional lesson that actually makes a lot of sense. It basically talks about how we don't matter. What truly matters to God is what He can do through us. Okay. I can buy into this. A lot of life is not about us and we begin to realize that as we grow older. Christmas, for example, becomes less about what we get and more about what others get. Sadly, I sometimes feel like I'm in my infancy of Christianity and this is a time that it's mostly about me, but not always. College is a time for self-discovery and identity. We are paying thousands of dollars so that we can become respectable citizens in our society. So I think that college is mostly about trying to find out who I am, while discovering who I'm not.

But now the book says that it's not about me and about God. My question then becomes, 'Can my life ever be about me and about God at the same time?' Is it possible to do something for or through God and have the results affect or help my status as a human being in a secular world? I'm sort of thinking not. It's like that Friends episode where Phoebe tries to do one selfless act to prove to Joey that it's possible. I'm looking for that same type of selfless deed that is free from any expectation of spiritual rewards or punishments. I'm talking about a deed that is done where the reasons why we are doing it are not because we will go to hell if we don't or we will go to heaven if we do. I'm not talking about giving tithes and offerings because we hear stories about how people have gotten financial blessings after they gave. I've tried that and it doesn't work.

However, I did have a problem about what the book says about individuality. It says that God wants us all to be like Him, which means that we would ultimately be all the same. If we are all like God, then we are all like each other. If it's a matter of 'similar yet different' I'm cool with that. But why make us all different and try to fit us through a cookie cutter? If we all become like God, we will lack the differences that make Christians human beings with a right to choose. I just find it hard to comprehend every Christian acting like God, acting the same. Besides, some Christians already think they act like God. Hmm. Interesting.

18: We are not Destined to be Happy

Well, there it is. The second line of today's devotion puts it out there. "We are not destined to happiness." Not only that, but "at all costs, a person must have the right relationship with God." At all costs? Are you sure? This seems a little zealous to me. While I agree that being in the right relationship with God is important, we can't simple drop everything we have. Unfortunately, we live in a real world with real money issues and tax issues. I haven't seen anyone selling all their possessions to buy a pearl or a lot of land lately. At all costs? What does that even mean? Family? Job? House? Relationships? Friends?

Next, it talks about preaching and why it makes people feel guilty and uncomfortable. The answer: because we all fall short of the glory of God. This is God's way of setting us straight from our sinful ways. That's fine. But why with guilt? It only makes those who are non-Christians feel even worse and they end up never wanting to come back.

And lastly, it says, "Never tolerate, because of sympathy for yourself or for others, any practice that is not in keeping with a holy God." I completely disagree with this statement because it makes Christians go on the offensive, as if it is our duty to change the ways of others. What about things like compassion and understanding? Do those go out the window and we just come in with our swords and start chopping people down? That's one of the problems with Christianity today. Too many people do not show enough compassion towards others. When abortion is mentioned, Christians start flying arrows. When evolution is said, Christians bring in the heavy bombers. When homosexuality is mentioned, we drop atomic bombs. That doesn't sound like Jesus. At least Jesus took the time to talk to people before getting to the healing part. Granted, even if Jesus didn't say anything to them, he's the Son of God so he already knew.

Today's devotion was not a good one. It says that we are not to supposed to be happy, we are supposed to feel guilty when listening to sermons, and we are to not tolerate others. Where is the joy in that?

17: Forget Love. Give me Joy.

Yes. I know that love is supposed to be the greatest of all gifts, according to the Bible; however, I'm finding that joy is much harder to come by. While love is something that surrounds most of us as children, joy, on the other hand, is something that comes between the Self and God. In other words, it's an individual sport.

Joy is lacking from my spiritual life and I can't figure out why. I love the songs and I love the study of God's Word, but I lack that pure 'happy' feeling when it comes to everything else about Christianity. Granted, I'm pessimistic to the bone, but still, you'd think that I would find joy somewhere in my spiritual walk. Well, I did, but that was about five years ago. So I've been in this joyless walk in Christ for five years and I have no idea how to find it. I understand faith. I comprehend love. I get all of the fruits of the Spirit, except Joy. Yet, I have no idea why.

Again, the devotional offers a quick fixing statement to lead me to my perfect life. All I have to do is have the right relationship with God, finding my joy there, and then out of me will flow living water. Seems simple enough. Three steps to a perfect life. The problem is the first step, as well as the second, but I can't seem to get over the first one. How do I place myself in the 'right' relationship with God? Go to church? Pray? Read the Bible? And will I ever achieve this? Is it possible to be right with God? Then, of course, there is the gigantic issue of finding joy once you are there, which is often contradictory. I've found that the closer I've become to God, the less happy I've been in my life. And I know that joy and happiness are two different things, but you've got to be pretty strong to find joy in an unhappy time in your life. If you can do that, great. If you're human like the rest of us, you know what I mean.

So Joy is the great mystery in my life. I can't explain it. I would love to have someone explain it to me. It's a slippery slope that I just haven't seem to grasp. Joy comes from the Lord, which means all we have to do is ask, right? Well, I've been asking, but not receiving. And maybe God has given me opportunities to find Joy in certain situations, but I haven't the eye to spot those moments. Give me Joy over Love. To me, that is the greatest thing of all.

16: Doing Good is No Ticket to Heaven

This issue of service came up last night at Christ Community. Along the same lines, my devotion says that we shouldn't evaluate our stock based on our service to others. God is not concerned what we do. All He wants is for us to love Him and let Him use us.

I'm confused. I thought God wanted us to do good things. Help the poor and those less fortunate. Ah, but we can't let that go to our heads. I see. Wow, well that's easy for a God to say, but not a human. In a world that is built around this instinctual need for acknowledgment, the task seems impossible. It's like leaving a child in a room and telling him that he can play with any toy he wants, except the electrical outlet. Sooner or later, the kids going to poke something in the wall. I believe that has happened in the history of Man. Garden of Eden ring a bell?

So if good deeds don't add anything to your heavenly stock, why do them at all? It seems that the more good you do, the harder it is to not think that those acts of generosity and kindness aren't going to pay off someday. You're digging yourself into a deeper hole of self-centeredness, my favorite part of Christianity.

So my question then becomes, 'How do you balance doing enough to show that you are a Christian, and not doing too much so that you buy into this community service for God mentality?' Ironically, there seems to be no answer, at least for me. It's one of those learn-as-you-go-along things. Yes, another struggle to add in an already struggle-filled life.

I do a lot of personal service and I admit that there are parts of me that thinks, 'God is watching me give my time. Damn! He has a blessing right around the corner.' Granted, I don't feel this way most of the time. I enjoy giving back to Greeley and it's a good way for me to forget about my own problems. However, there are days when I seek God's approval, like any good child would do. Funny though. When I started volunteering, that's when the blessings stopped. Hmm. I wonder if they are related. That must be it. The more I volunteer, the less blessings God gives me. It makes as much sense as any theory I've got already. More volunteer work equals less blessings. I get it. Because if God blessed me too much, I might actually get a happy life, too busy and too happy without Him. It's starting to make sense. So the less happy I am, the more service projects I do. Genius. Genius. Genius.

15: Pass the Test of Faith

I find it interesting that today's devotion is about faith. It claims that faith and common sense do not work together, but against each other. Hmm? So in order to have strong faith I must give up my intellect and common sense that I spent so much time building, e.g., college. There goes my $40K down the drain.

Not only that, but my faith must be tested by hard times. Great! That means that until the day I die, my faith will be tested. No free days as a Christian, huh? Nice.

While I believe that there should be some assessment of each Christian's faith with God, I must admit that to face this trial throughout our lives is a bit much. I thought that once you were a Christian, you were in the 'club' and that was it. No more jumping through loops or doing any trust exercises. I feel like I'm in fourth grade and we are doing those fall and catch activities to build trust. I love Bug Juice, the show. Don't get me wrong. It's just that I think having our faith tested throughout our entire life is a bit much. God should know that He's got me. I'm not going anywhere.

And what's the deal with, again, another so-called simple request that Jesus poses. He says that all we have to do is believe and we will see the glory of God. Sounds simple enough to me. I believe, yet I don't see the glory of God necessarily working around me in my life. Yes, I see nature and I'm grateful for what I have, but where are all the blessings? The true blessings? I'm not talking about the fact that things could be worse. To me, that's a weak argument. That defeats the whole purpose of God. Of course God could make things worse for you. If you believe in Job, then that's the perfect example. But to me that is living in fear. And that's not a relationship. If we are always afraid of God making things worse in our life, I don't want to be in that relationship. I'll feel overpowered and abused.

I just feel a little uneasy knowing that my entire life with be a huge test of faith. It's exhausting.

14: Purpose of Prayer

Yes, the purpose of prayer. One of the greatest mysteries in my life. It seems that prayer is not simply an act of asking God for things and then expecting Him to be a genii and granted those wishes. Instead, it is an act in which we get to know God Himself. Interesting.

I've been praying a lot recently. Mostly that school and my writing career go okay this year. In that sense, I guess I haven't given God enough time to respond because my prayers have been mostly one-way communication. But what I can learn from this is that through prayer, which is mostly talking to myself, I better understand my problems and issues. Thus, I find ways to work it out in the end. It's almost like talking to a friend who just simply listens.

But wait, John 16:24 says, "Ask, and you will receive..." This has to be one of the most mysterious verses in the Bible for me. I believe the verse continues with something like, "Seek and you shall find." So is the Bible saying that all I have to do is ask God and I'll get it? No. All I have to do is seek the Lord and I'll get it? No. I love how sometimes it seems that a Christian's biggest problem is said to be solved by such a simple verse. I don't know about you, but I've asked God for a lot of things over the years and I'd have to say that if I was playing Battleship, I would have a lot of misses on my board. Granted, I probably shouldn't get everything I ever ask for. God knows best so I trust His judgment. Still, I wonder why we do not always get what we ask for.

To me, I wish there was a way God could just say no. He does in certain situations, but for the most part, I feel like I'm getting God's answering machine and voice message, which leaves me waiting for when He's going to call me back.

Prayer confuses me and you'd think that I would have gotten it by now. To me, relationships are built on communication and time. Prayer provides both of these. However, that communication needs to be two-way, not one-way. It's like being interested in a girl and wanting to call her, but you're the only one that calls. She's not the one who calls, but you. Sense an unfair power situation brewing?

Despite my confusion and lack of understanding, I will continue to pray. At least I'm not the only one confused. In Luke 11, one of Jesus' disciples asks him, "Lord, teach us to pray." I relate to that guy. Lucky for him, he got a quick response from Jesus. He never had to pray to get an answer.

Day 13: Light Becomes Darkness

This blog has taken a turn as I have been, not struggling, but redefining what and who I am as a Believer. Today's word reflects that when we are on top of the mountain, when God has blessed us greatly, that we are not to forget it and must take advantage of that high point. If we fail to do so, our light will become darkness.

While that may sound like a great Lord of the Rings theme, I find it a little sad and unsettling. I never knew that our light, something good, could turn into darkness, something bad. The way this happens is through laziness and self-gratification. These two giants on the Everyday Christians' Top 5 Diseases can make us bad. Crazy? But what else are we to feel after living in the dark shadows for months, or even years? Aren't we allowed to take some time and smell some of that mountaintop air and soak in the sun? But no. According to the word, "Walk while you have the light, lest darkness overtake you..." John 12.35.

Great, so after months of suffering, I now have to keep moving from my spot of great joy, probably forward into another valley of darkness. No wonder so many Christians just stay still while the times are good. Yes, it's a bit hedonistic, but we are only human. When something feels good, in this case it is God's blessings, we get comfortable. We sure can use some comfort in this life of turbulence.

In my life, I have few to little experiences at the so-called top of the mountain. Therefore, it would be impossible for me to understand. For me, and maybe just me, a lot of Christianity is joyless. Maybe that is the darkness the reading is talking about. I enjoy some parts. I like the songs and studying the word. But I fail to see real life application...IN MY LIFE. I think it's great that people pray to a God, as do I, for things. It just gets old when these prayers go unanswered, or take a long time to be answered. I truly believe that God is good, especially since he allows us to mess up our own lives if we choose. Freedom to choose is the best gift God gave us, almost as great as giving us Jesus. It gives our life a purpose in which we have a sense of control.

Little sleep, among other things, has made me irritable for today. I'll be fine after a swim in the pool.

Day 12: Double-troubled Life

Today's quiet time topic was about troubled lives and how it is basically our fault that we have strife everyday, especially without God in our lives. Eh, I'm a little hesitant to believe that all of our problems can be prevented by being a Christ Follower. All peoples, of all categories, go through problems in life. While I understand what the devotion is saying, it makes me wonder whether or not anyone is truly at a happy state, completely and honestly satisfied with what we have.

It seems that every week at church, someone is telling me to give up my problems to God. While I know in my heart that I had done that weeks ago, it makes wonder how many others are struggling at this time. Looking across the board, everyone has something 'bad' in their life that they want to improve. Yes, God can make everything better when you trust Him, but will I ever get to the point where everything will click? Even for a moment? Or is that impossible, not because God would never allow us to be completely happy, but because true happiness and contentment is humanly impossible due to our nature.

When it comes to human nature and our natural state, I love talking about nothing more. If you don't know, I believe that our Number One, with a capital N and O, instinct in life is to reproduce and pass on our genes. I know that can go against the Christian theology of "We're here to praise God," but biologically I believe, just as Freud did, that all we want to do is live forever, and thus, pass our genes on. College, jobs, relationships, etc. are all our ways of making sure of this. And when it comes between biology and spirituality, I'm more likely to caution on the biological side of things. We do what we are programmed to do, not by morals or ethics. That is why it is so easy to sin and hard to pray and give offerings.

So I propose that maybe Christianity is a never ending journey that has no moments of pure contentment; that it is always a struggle. Obviously, to find this answer all I needed to do was to ask a veteran Christian whether or not life has been easy. I'd probably get a "It's been great with the Lord" type of answer, which is fine. I know life is great with the Lord. But what I'm looking for is contentment and perfection, states of being that seem to elude Believer and Non-Believer alike.

Day 11: Jesus could make me rich

Lots of pertinent stuff in today's devotion. My favorite line reads, "Beware of letting your natural desires hinder your walk in love before God. One of the cruelest ways to kill natural love is through the rejection that results from having built the love on natural desires."

Today's lesson comes from the wonderful world of self-sacrifice. For me, self-sacrifice can come easy for strangers, but hard for the people that I know, especially God. I love to tell myself that I will be the ultimate Christian. You know the type: goes to church more than twice a week, prays every day and reminds everyone of it, gives an offering weekly. I think I could be that person. But I always think that I could only be that person if God gave me...(Fill in the blank). What makes this frustrating is that I know that even if God were to give me said "blank," I would still want more and more, never reaching a point of satisfaction.

I guess I find it hard to believe that Jesus and I are friends. Normally, friendship is based on a relationship of trust and time, none of which I suppose I truly have experienced in the church. However, on the flip side, I think it would be hard to be a friend with someone that you have the ability to control their life. For example, if I won the lottery, I often think what will my friends and family think of me. Would they expect great gifts for Christmas, or could I get away with the $20 limit? Would they hit me up for money, justifying these claims with "But you have so much money. Why can't you give me a hundred bucks?" So I guess playing the role of Jesus in a friendship with any Man would truly be difficult. He could make our life so amazing, blessing us with riches and power. But what would that teach us? It would teach us to want more, creating greed and lust, both of which are bad things.

Day 10: Co-writing a book would be amazing

I woke up early this morning, which why I skipped my devotional time. For some strange reason, I woke up at 4:30 AM. I think it was because I was so excited to teach. My two classes were great. It reminded me of last semester.

I had the car serviced today and the nice people at the place washed not only the outside of my car, but the inside as well. The window was open and water went all over my interior. Nice, right?

I picked up some goggles for swimming. The chlorine is starting to burn my eyes. If I'm going to swim three times a week, I figured I'd get something to protect my eyes.

I had my aquarium water tested at the store. It looks good. I'm right on track for a complete cycle. I know the next fish I'm going to add to the tank. It will be in about four weeks. I can't pronounce the name, but it sounds like a dinosaur name. I'm afraid, however, that it is going to grow too big. They grow to about a foot.

I finished The Pearl last night. It was a nice read. It refueled me to continue writing my story. I'm worried about the co-writing opportunity I investigated during the summer. It would be so great to co-write a book with Pastor Wayne of New Hope back home, but we'll see. I know he will pray about it and God will let him know, which, in turn, he will let me know. I am leaving that up to God. I think the book would be amazing though. I'm just saying.

Day 9: Lost Ball

God: I had one of those Joseph moments last night where I had a few dreams, each riding the same theme. The first one I remember involved one of my fish eating another one of my fish. It was like watching a snake eat a rabbit. There was no nibbling or small bites. It was like a chronic smoker inhaling puffs of smoke. The second dream was a golf one. I was on the 16th hole at Hawaii Kai golf course. I teed off, but I could not find my ball. I continued to walk back to the clubhouse before I realized that my group had finished the hole and moved on to 17. So I went back and searched, but I could not find it. The fairway was covered in golf balls, none of them mine.

My devotion of the day talked about truly praying during quiet time. Since I've never truly set time apart for quiet time, I wouldn't know. I pray before I go to bed, a tactic I've used to help me fall asleep. Whether it's me or some sleep demon, every time I pray on my back, I fall asleep quickly. It's relaxing when I have to get up early. The same thing happens in church. I find that my best inspiration for writing happens in church, usually about the time worship is over. Strange, right? I only want to write when I'm in church and I can't even pick up my pen in my apartment unless I force myself. I love the spiritual world and my laziness.

Writing: I hope to finish yet another chapter of the book. I was an overachiever and finished my first assignment for one of my classes. It was a four page narrative about orientation week. I think it's pretty good. First day of classes is tomorrow. I look forward to teaching my kids.

Magic: I dropped off some balloons I had made at church this morning. I hope the kids enjoy them. I think I'm going to practice every Saturday night and bring the balloons to church on Sunday. My killer whale was a hit.

Fish: The fish officially survived a week. I'm pretty happy about that. For me, it's a big accomplishment that took hours of research and trial and error.

Day 8: Like Quicksand

God: I was listening to the radio today and I heard a woman call in. She had four kids and a husband who is non-responsive to her. She is a devoted Christian who truly loves God, but I've never heard a more lonely person in my life. She seemed so trapped that it made me think that marriage is not all it is cracked up to be. I'm not saying that marriage is a bad thing. It's probably one of the three greatest days in a persons' life. I guess a lot of people don't quite understand the difference between dating and marriage. While love for the person may not change between either scenario, the legal and social commitment is so much more complicated in marriage. They say that some of the loneliest people are in relationships. I never believed it until today. I guess it can be like quicksand. It pulls you down and the more you struggle, the faster you sink. It just boggles me how a Christian woman can feel so tired and alone. Four kids? How does that happen when you have four kids? To me, there is no time for lonely.

And so I guess this time, right now, is for me. I truly believe that God has something for me to do before my family life begins. I'm still not sure what that is, but I hope it's writing or teaching. That would truly be sublime.

Writing: Decided not to pause on the writing. I'll fit it in as best as I can.

Magic: Taking the week to slowly practice an hour a day.

Fish: Fed fish and watched them eat. I think the tank has cycled. The fish haven't died. I definitely need to ask the fish guy at the store about the state of my tank. Maybe another water testing.

Day 7

God: I'm currently watching Penn and Teller's Bullsh*t show on Creationism. Wow! It is yet another case in which Christians come out looking bad. The Christians want Creationism an option in the schools, while the rest want it separate. When I see radical Christians, or even good intentioned Christians, acting this way, sometimes it makes me want to change teams. Or at least change team jerseys. I wish that Christianity was like Buddhism, in that there is no attacking of others. By nature, Christianity requires its members to "change" others, correcting them of their heathen ways, right? Boy, we can sometimes be pushy and point out enough heathen ways in others to build another golden Baal.

Writing: Labored through Chapter 16 and started chapter 17. I might take a little break. With school starting, I think I'll get back to the project.

Fish: I had a dream that my two smaller fish died. Of course, that meant that I had to wake up in my sleep to check. They were fine. I'm currently debating what kind of algae eater I want to get. I have no algae so getting it now would be a mistake. More research is needed.

Day Six

God: Wild at Heart has taken a huge turn in the bold department. This chapter has made a few statements that would turn some heads in a church. The authors states that men like beautiful women more for validation of themselves than for the physical aspects of her body. Also, that women like a guy they can tame, but once they are tamed, the passion disappears. My question then becomes, "What if the guy is already tamed?" I'm not saying that my life is completely tamed, but I do think that I've got my 'checkers lined up.' So where does that leave me? Is that an unattractive quality? To me, it's like the same thing in the writing world. No one wants to read a book by a guy who has it together. They want to read about the single mom who was a prostitute and a drug addict. Her story will sell and she'll be the one writing the book. Just ask James Frey. But I accept that. No one wants to be with someone they just 'get' right away. That's why we don't date with our resumes.

Writing: Struggled to finish Chapter 16. I mapped out the rest of the novel in my mind. I've got ten more chapters to go. That should leave me at about 50K words or so. Sadly, that's more than my master's project.

Magic: Getting more interested in making balloon animals. Need to practice though.

Fish: So I think the fish are stabilizing, finally. No recent deaths, although one of the snails seems to have pulled a Houdini on me and disappeared. I'm sure it will show up.

Day 5

God: Last night's dream seems relevant to what I read for devotions this morning. In my dream, I was playing golf, quite well I might add, and all of a sudden my dad knocks me in the face a few times to the point that I can hardly breathe or move. After a few moments, I get up and walk around to where I see various extended family, each wondering what happened. I can't talk because my face is smashed in, so I nod and pass them by. My dad has never done anything like that, but it does lead into what I read this morning in Wild at Heart. The chapter focused on what fathers do to hurt their sons. While the discussion of father-son relationships was interesting, I believe it was rather vague and ambiguous. The author stated that the wound left by all fathers causes the son to either be violent or passive, or a mixture of both. I have to ask how those results can be so universal.

Writing: Finished Chapter 15, but am having serious doubts about finishing the novel before school starts. I'd have to write two chapters a day to make it. Accepted the scholarship from the Cross Family and plan to give them a nice thank you note with a balloon animal.

Fish: The fish made it through another night. Feeding will be a challenge because one of the fish is nearly blind and needs the food to be right in front of him. Debating whether or not to buy a plant so that the blind fish can eat at its discretion.

School: Nervous about the first day of teaching. Not because of the students, but because of the material. I want control of my classroom and the content that I teach. I don't feel that with this semester. We'll see how things go.

Day 4

God: I'm beginning to wonder if there is a direct relationship between owning a pet and somehow getting closer to God. Ever since I've started this fish project, I've struggled less and less with God, more willing to accept his teachings. I suppose taking care of others distracts me from my troubles and questions I have for God.

Writing: Skipped yesterday's writing session because of the orientation and because of Lost Season 2. I need to write every day for the next week to finish, but it's so hard because of all the distractions. I also submitted something for the Honolulu Advertiser. Hopefully they print it. That would be nice.

Magic: Had a nice two hour session of magic last night. Taught the guy some of my routines. I just hope that he doesn't copy what I do exactly. Already I can see that whatever I shared before has been copied to my specifications by others. I guess that's what happens when you share.

Fish: Yellow and Red seem to be doing okay. I only fed them once yesterday. Oreo, the black moor goldfish, ate some food, but I realized that he is near blind. I knew they were a hard of seeing, but that guy is clueless. Also, I think the pellet food is too big for him because he couldn't eat anything. I had to crush it and basically plop the pieces in the water right in front of him. The other fish, KitKat, is doing okay. He seems to be more active, feeding on the ungrowing bulbs of plant life that I have. I went out and bought some Stability, which should help my tank cycle faster. We'll see.

Day 3

God: I'm still absorbing the messages from Saturday night and Sunday morning. Pastor is developing a speaking style that is much better than before. He kept me interested the entire time. I think the backup QB is ready for more of a starting position. God is teaching me patience with this fish project.

Writing: Hopefully have some time to write. I've got a TA training thing so that will take up most of the afternoon. Chapter 15 will be good.

Magic: Got a call from another magician who wants me to teach them things. I didn't know I gave free magic lessons. I guess that's what happens when you're a nice guy. I'm hoping to start practicing balloons.

Fish: Another fish died. Green was freakin' out so I saved him the agony of dying in the tank. I need to buy some of that biozyme to help speed this cycle process along. With frequent water changes now, I hope to save the goldfish. If they survive the week, they'll make it.

Day Two

God: So I went to Christ Community last night. It was great. I liked how the message was geared towards something that I cared about. The message was about Satan and how he works and his capabilities. We often times put Satan on the same level as God, but he isn't. It was also good to truly understand how Satan works. His primary weapon is lying and if we know the truth, nothing can stop us.

Writing: I wrote another chapter of Billy's Balloons. Chapter 14 will be a crucial part of the novel. It's quite long, but I had to cover a lot in a short amount of time. Thinking about giving each chapter a title.

Magic: Nothing more.

Fish: Another fish died. Highjump was found dead and stuck on the filter. I went to PetCo after church and got my water tested. It's a little high in ammonia so I have to only feed the fish every other day for a while. I learned that it will take 10 weeks to break in the tank to the point where I can start having fun with the fish. I introduced two of my goldfish to the tank. One is a moor and the other is a calico. Tentative names are Oreo and KitKat. Found a dead shrimp in the tank. That's never a good sign. The other one probably died too. I think the ammonia levels are too high. I have to relax the water for a while. I hope my two new fish don't die within the week. If they make the week, I think we'll be okay. They stop going on sale on the 23rd of August.

Day 1

This new blog project is something that I've wanted to do for a while. I figure it will keep me writing and remind me that I need organize my life a little more. I hope that this will not be a blog like the millions of blogs that have fizzled out after a month, or even a week. My goal is to update any changes in any of these areas of my life: God, writing, magic, and fish.

God: Nothing much on the Holy front. I've been going back to church since I've been in Colorado. I've been praying a lot more and reading more of my devotional book, Wild at Heart. I've read it before, but it's been a while. It's a slow read for me, but I'll get it done. I've come to accept the place God has put me in as of right now. This isn't a proud moment for me, but it's one that I can at least try to enjoy.

Writing: My young adult novel has been rolling okay. I had hoped that it would be done by the time school started, but as I am writing a chapter a day, I don't think I'll make it. I'm probably about half way done and school starts in about a week. I'll try to squeeze it in. My Master's project is looking good. I hope to present at the end of October. Thanks to my major professor, I might get my first short story published in the Alaska Quarterly Review. It's no guarantee, but it's looking good.

Magic: I've met up with a couple of magicians already. We had a good session, but like I said earlier, I want to focus solely on writing and school for the time being. It's not that magic isn't great. I have tons of magic supplies across of my room to look at. I guess I'm realizing that magic isn't going to get me into a PhD program, unless I apply to Hogwarts.

Fish: Raising a couple of goldfish has become my new project this semester. I've spent enough money to show for that. In my 20 gallon tank, I currently have five fish, two snails, and two ghost shrimp. I originally had six, but one died the day I got it. I called him Graveyard. My other fish are Highjump, Tommy Gun, and the Stoplight Brothers: Red, Green, and Yellow. I hadn't quite named the other guys in the tank, but I'm glad that my one snail stopped floating at the top. He was worrying me for a bit and at about $2 a snail, I was afraid that I would have to make another stop at the pet store. Those guys must be loving all the money I've spent in the last week. Oh well. I guess that's just how it goes. I'm doing more research before I buy my two goldfish and add them to the tank. Reading books and searching the web have been a big help.